Friends lost their 20 year old son this fall. It was an unexpected tragedy. After the death, every time I saw them I didn’t know what to say to them and was at a terrible loss for words. Of course, Errol’s difficulties are not equal to their tragedy, but the reaction that many people have is the same: silence. There are some big exceptions, but most of the time, people don’t ask a whole lot of questions. Disability = Invisibility. I suppose that most folks don‘t want to upset us, bring up bad feelings, or dwell on the negative. After all, life is a profound well of suffering, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to tread on the surface than to dive for treasure. I've been at a loss for comforting words, so I understand how silence can descend on a body. I'm hoping my experience will help me be more connected to the world and to ask more questions. Only when we share in the fullness of emotion are we truly connecting. Besides, the more questions I ask, the more I can sit back and judge others for their silence, and what could be more fun than being judgmental?
1 comment:
Jonathan,
Sometimes people need silence. Sometimes they need questions and interest.
I agree that we are more connected to the world by asking more questions. I agree that "only when we share in the fullness of emotions are we truly connecting."
But all people are not in that place. Some people refuse to listen to their own emotions, and thus scuttle away when asked too many questions. We don't live in a society that teaches us to honor our emotions, so sometimes people are scared of them - scared of the truth in themselves and in each other.
I think we have to try to honor where people are. Maybe they want to talk. Maybe they don't. Maybe we just have to admit that we don't know what they want or need, and we have to ask them what they need at that time.
Keeping silence in the face of someone's tragedy, as in the case of your friend who lost their son, is understandable. Maybe we can just ask each other what each other needs. The answer is as unique as the person and the situation.
I think that your own experience is a tremendous gift to the world in so many ways, Jonathan. You are putting into words what so many people cannot, and that is a huge gift.
Love, Marigene
The worst thing is to be ignored.
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