Errol spends a lot of time looking at his hand (try it some time, there are worse things to look at). He holds his hand at arm’s length (it would be hard to hold it elsewhere) and stares and stares (he could do this for hours). What does he see? What is he after? Where does he go? When Errol looks at his hand he is gone from us, is somewhere else, nowhere else, in another world. When Errol leaves us he is not sad, not happy, just blank.
Boom! And then suddenly, for no apparent reason Errol snaps back into our world, recognizes us, a huge grin crosses his face, he is happy, he is one of us.
I mostly think of Errol as just Errol. Our son, Owen’s brother, Lucy, Joe, Dean, and Fred’s grandson, Anne, Paula, and Audrey’s student, the boy everyone wants to hold, the kid with the amazing hair (did you bleach your baby’s hair??? They really ask. We didn’t). But other times I snap into the realization that my son is retarded, damaged, alien, special, and I get sad that Errol leaves us for a place we don’t understand and can’t visit. Then I get mad that I can’t connect with my son, that my own flesh and blood seems more different from me than my dogs. But what you gonna’ do? There’s no guarantees in life (and besides, I lost the receipt). And then I stop thinking, and see the little boy lying there, my sweet and beautiful son, my Errol, and I start singing to him, or telling him stories, reading him books (I know, he can’t read, but I love Philp Roth), coaxing him back. And as long as he is with us, we are both happy.
1 comment:
Dear Jonathan,
Connection. It's what we think of as being so important, so desirable in life. It's what drives us, what makes us feel good inside. To connect with someone is a wonderful and vital thing. I don't wonder that you want to know where Errol "goes." It is so poignant that you say you are closer (not sure if that's the word you used) to your dogs in the moments Errol is "away" than to him. I.e., that there's more of a connection there.
We want connection with others. It's undeniable, that drive, that desire.
There are so many things that disrupt connection. I think ill health is the biggest. It takes you away from people in a way that being healthy doesn't.
I guess when it comes down to the truly essential thing in life, it isn't connection - as passionate as I honestly am about connection - as much as it is love that is even more important.
Love and kindness and forgiveness.
Everything else is cake, really.
Peace, Marigene
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