Errol’s aunt Anna and uncle Peter just had a baby; Errol’s cousin, Silas. When I met Silas he was three days old. It’s a huge privilege to be with someone so new to the world, and I held him for a long time. As I held Silas, I couldn’t help but remember Errol’s first days. We were in the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) awaiting his first open heart surgery (day five). We were nervous as a cat, sleep deprived, and overwhelmed. But we had it easy. Errol was stuck full of tubes (sometimes five or six at once), covered with heart monitors, catheterized, with a breathing tube down his throat, and having his blood drawn every couple of hours, all in a room full of constant lights and alarms.
Silas was the healthy baby I had expected Errol to be. In many ways he was already more well developed than Errol; his muscle tone on day three wasn’t much different from Errol’s on day 441. Sometimes I get jealous and I just want Errol to be normal. I don’t know how he feels about it. I’ll ask him some day. I can’t imagine what he’ll say.
2 comments:
Dear Jonathan,
You are keeping it real when you realize that it is hard to see Errol isn't "normal," and never will be. You won't get through this by sailing through each experience with gratitude and an open heart. Sometimes you have to be honest about the pain.
I know Errol is a light and miracle and very, very special. Yet, too, he isn't the healthy baby you thought he would be. That's part f the experience.
I don't think I was as strong as you are. Natalya wouldn't eat. I remember once watching a friend nurse her baby. I couldn't get away fast enough. It tore me up. I wish I had been more accepting of her, maybe it would have been easier. But I wasn't, really. It was my job to encourage her to eat. It took till she was in 2nd grade. I guess it just messed with my mind and was hard to deal with.
You I admire so much. I learn a lot about life from you and your family.
Love, Marigene
Jonathan,
It is great to read the words about Silas on your blog. It makes me proud, and it makes me happy.
Your honesty about how difficult it is makes me cry.
Erroll is a gift.
I love him.
He will always be a blessing to our family.
Josie will love him.
Silas will love him.
We love him.
He really is amazing.
And, thanks for coming to meet Silas, and to hold him, even if it made memories that were difficult for you.
Please keep writing this blog.
I love reading it, and I love the pictures of your family.
Mr. Man's hair is so darn white.
I love it.
He and Cary look smashing in one of the latest photos.
I hope that Owen had a great day with his cousins at the field trip.
Miller Park is so great.
All our love,
Peter
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