Errol is in our thoughts all the time.
One night at dinner Owen suddenly smiled and said, “Errol is on your shoulders mama. He’s nibbling your food.”
“Hi, Errol.” Cary said gamely, turning towards her shoulder.
“Mama,” said Owen, “Now Errol is in your arms.”
Cary cradled her sweet boy in her arms while Owen looked on, his eyes smiling. Sometimes just going through the familiar motions of Errol, holding, lifting, laying down bring floods of joy and sorrow. “And he’s grabbing your hair.” Said Owen.
“Now I’m holding him, Mama.” And Owen rocked his brother in his arms. Then Owen pointed to me. “He’s on your shoulders Daddy.”
“Hi, Errol.” I replied, waving and smiling. And to explain my tears I said, “Ouch, he’s pulling my hair!” - which was Errol’s favorite game, after all.
And as suddenly as it started, Owen sang out. “Now Errol is the wind.” And that was the end of the visitation that Owen had conjured.
A few minutes later we finished dinner and went into Owen and Errol’s bedroom. I know Owen must feel lonely up in the top of his bunk bed with no one below to share his big room, but his pet chickens.
We read a children’s book about death called I Miss You and when we asked Owen how he was feeling he said, “I don’t know what’s going to happen next.” I told him that we didn’t know either (not reassuring perhaps, but true) but that we thought things were going to get better (which they do, until they don’t) and that he was going to feel better. And he is feeling better, these days. And we know that Owen misses Errol as much as he loved him (which is a lot) and that Errol will help Owen to grow up to be a very strong and loving man. But for now it’s heartbreaking to watch a little boy's heart break.
6 comments:
What a sweet "visit" from Errol. I am so glad that Owen can experience those visits it is a way for him to grieve Errol and keep him alive in his wonderful memory bank!
Thinking of you all and missing my little Buddy too~
XOXO
Ms Paula
Thank you for sharing such a precious family experience. I've selfishly "known" you from your first post and have shed tears of happiness and grief with you. Owen is incredible and will bring Errol with him in his heart as the years pass. Your family has been an inspiration to me on my philosophy on life (and my kids) and the years of getting to know you and your family through this site has helped me smile when I think of Errol and all the love that has surrounded him. Errol, Owen, and the two of you have have impacted so many people in such a positive way. Thank you.
Sometimes when I look at your family I can see these beautiful, soft, woven filaments of light that bind you to one another. Owen is a remarkable child, in that he can allow himself to be honest about his feelings. In turn, you and Cary are extraordinary parents, as you recognize the necessity of sharing honest feelings with Owen. I am overwhelmed by the graciousness and understanding present in your family.
I love your writing Jonathan, almost as much as I love you.
My heart hurts for you guys, for first having to go through Errol'S death and now for having to watch Owen learn to grieve long before he should have to.
How wonderful that you can all help each other in the grieving,espically Owen. There are days and nights when you can smile and be happy, yet there are those times when you feel such saddness, whatever the time Errol will always be there to help guide you through no matter what your age.
Thank you so much for continuing to keep up Errol's blog.
Mrs. Ashley
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