As we were getting ready for bed tonight, Errol's big brother Owen said, “When Errol gets bigger he’s going to go to Downtown School with me, Daddy.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just started crying (which happens a lot these days – and it’s not a bad thing either). Owen’s hopes for his brother are so normal, and so improbable (like mine, try as I might to be “realistic”) that sometimes it's just devastating to hear. Never say never, but the chances of Errol going to Owen’s school are pretty low. Still...
Owen loves his brother and doesn’t know that all little brothers aren’t just like Errol. (Of course, not all big brothers are like Owen, either.) All I know to tell Owen is, “Errol’s sick.” Which translates (I think) to “Errol’s got a fever.” I imagine different ways to tell Owen about his brother: “Son, your brother has a constellation of physical and mental disabilities resulting from a spontaneous mutation of the 16th chromosome.” And I’ve tried explaining Errol’s syndrome to Owen in lots of ways, lots of times, but it never really seems to get through (although you never know what they know, until you do know, and then it's too late). “Owen, do you know that your brother is sick?” “Daddy, let’s watch Nemo!” Which is okay for now (I hope). We want Owen to know his brother fully, but there’s no big rush. After all, Owen can’t add, write, or even tie his shoes. He’s got his whole life ahead of him to understand his brother.
****Advice here would be particularly welcome (especially from those of you who have dealt with this before, especially if you agree with me!). Please share your story (annonymously, if you prefer) on the comment space below.
3 comments:
We do not have a special sibling like Erroll, although we do have a special grandparent with advanced alzheimers. Many times I try to explain that Granny is "sick", which usually generates a response of "will she take medicine to get better". Which is not going to happen, like today when she is trying to "escape" assisted living and walk back to some place of familiarity in her mind. My daughter will ask "is Granny going to get better" or more importantly "does Granny miss her cats"? I know this does not help your situation but it does remind me that children can quickly determine the important things in life. I mean do you want to debate if cats or memory is more important? To a 4-year old, it is okay if granny does not remember her name as long as she remembers her cats. My kids often remind me to slow down and see the special, simply truth about being alive and appreciating today and that maybe I do not need to have an answer to everything. Or at least not immediately.
Hmmm... I don't know that Owen needs much explanation at this age. As you said, Erol is Erol just as Owen is Owen... When Owen asks just answer his questions as they come. Chelsea is 2 1/2 years older than Corey and she did not begin asking more distinct questions about his disability until she was middle school age. Brother, Jordan (4 1/2 years younger), is now at that same age and to date has no questions. I guess for him Corey is as he always has been... no answers needed. I suppose if he never asks I will feel compelled to share at some point but for now we'll go along as we have. Jordan has taken on the "big brother" roll rather smoothly and with out remark of disapointment. Ryne (our youngest and ten years Corey's junior), has had the most questions at an early age. I'm not sure why other than his questioning nature. He also has experienced the most challenges as Corey's sibling. Corey does not seem as willing to surrender his elder status to his baby brother, but Ryne is only eight, perhaps when he is older. Then again, I suspect that Ryne likes being the baby of the crew.
Errol can go to Downtown School with Owen but if you don't find that what's best Owen will understand. He will follow your lead and if you believe that Errol will be better educated at a school for children with special needs, then Owen will also.
Corey has attended the same school as his siblings since kindergarten and his siblings have never questioned that he might have gone to school else where.
Back to explanations... I seems that kids begin to notice differences more around the age of eight. When Ryne asked earlier this year why Corey didn't talk well I answered because he has a disability. That answer was adequate for only a short time as he then thought that all people with a speech impediment were disabled. Next answer... "Have you noticed Ryne that Corey does not read as well as you? Well it's because his disability effects his ability to learn." Response: "So do all people who don't read well have a disability, Mom?" Hmmmm... I could see I was not going to be let off so easily... So I went in to more depth. "Corey will never be able to read well. He will always be much littler than most everyone else, he will not be able to drive a car..." And then in his eightness Ryne said, "Oh. But he still has to follow the rules. He can't eat in the living room."
"Yes Ryne, you are right."
Trust your instincts. Trust Owen. He's the best. Don't force it.
Love, Marigene
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